When I was a teenager, I hated getting out of bed in the morning. Perhaps this was a typical behavior for teenagers. And likely one of the only typical behaviors I displayed. But I hated it. Hate. I think it had something to do with just plain not enjoying the high school experience. But anywho, that's a story for another time.
Needless to say, I was not a morning person. There was a rule in my house. It was called the ‘don’t talk to Yersa until she’s been awake for more than 45 minutes’ rule. Sometimes my mother would break this rule and would pay for it dearly with a few of her fingers which I cut off with a dull kitchen knife (it took so long to saw through the cartilage, and honestly? I think her self-esteem has suffered. If you see her around, please don’t mention her deformity out loud).
A few hours later, I would usually call my mother from school, extremely apologetic for my poor early-morning behavior.
Yersa: "I am so sorry I was such a bitch this morning. You know it’s just because I was still half asleep, right?"
Mom: "I know, I know. I won’t talk to you in the mornings anymore."
Yersa: "That’s probably a good idea. Did you put your severed finger on ice this time?"
Mom: "Yes, it’s in the freezer."
Yersa: "Good. We can go to the ER to have it reattached when I get home from school. Love you!"
But eventually, my mother could no longer count to ten and something needed to change. So I ended up doing some research on ways to become a better "morning person". Something must have clicked because I am now the world's most chipper little fuck in the morning. Ok, not really. But I have put the sharps away.
But this did recently give me pause, with the recent blackout of WikiHow, how in the world would today's non-morning people ever overcome this debilitating illness?! How many more innocent body parts would need to be severed??!!
Here’s what WikiHow says one needs to do to become an early riser:
1. Reflect about the purpose of getting up earlier.
Um, to save human lives... To actually bathe before going to work...
2. Go to bed earlier.
Brilliant. Thank you WikiHow!!!
3. Set your alarm clock.
ZOMG, what a novel idea! I’m so glad I read this article. It’s going to be so sad giving away my trusty rooster though.
4. Help wake yourself up.
I really, really didn’t appreciate this tip because I had to read past the first sentence to understand what WikiHow is even suggesting here, and I’m a very busy person.
–Force yourself to leave the room – go to the bathroom, drink a glass of water, open the curtains, or anything that will overcome your inner chat about returning to bed.
–Splash your face with water as soon as you get out of bed.
–Exercise. Exercise will help to wake you up, and exercise undertaken first thing in the morning is more effective at charging up your metabolism than exercise undertaken at any other time of the day.
These ideas are ludicrous. Splash my face with water? If I wanted to be waterboarded I’d become a terrorist. No thanks, WikiSucks.
5. Have a good breakfast.
Cold pizza totally counts, right?
6. Keep the new morning rhythm going once it’s established.
A new morning rhythm isn’t going to be established because your suggestions are all fucking stupid, WikiStupid.
7. Persevere and be realistic.
Wait, what?
Thank god I was able to overcome this without resorting to the advice of WikiWorthless. Otherwise I'd have to call my mother and tell her to say goodbye to the rest of her fingers.
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