Lessons From A Dirty Girl

When I was growing up, I had an aversion to showering.  I didn’t enjoy being dirty or anything. I was simply far too busy and far too important to spend 10 minutes in the shower getting clean. I had appointments to keep and neighborhood clubs to run and cars to egg and doorsteps to poopify. Being the highly intelligent (genius, really) girl that I am, I hatched a fool-proof plan that would allow me to continue living the disgusting, unhygienic lifestyle that I so cherished.

The plan (as I remember it):

Parental unit eyes me up and down. Film of dirt and sweat covering my body does not escape Parental Unit’s notice. Parental unit shoves me into bathroom and reminds me to ‘be thorough’.

Step 1: Cackle, evilly, rubbing palms together with glee.

Step 2: Turn on shower.
Step 3: Throw back shower curtain loudly, to give impression of entering shower in the event Parental Unit has bugging devices in bathroom and is monitoring your movements.
Step 4: Open bottle of shampoo.
Step 5: Squirt shampoo all over shower walls and floor (to give impression of usage). Use at least half the bottle so Parental Unit smells overwhelming scent of Pert Plus emitting steamy bathroom later on.
Step 6: Repeat step 5 using conditioner.
Step 7: Repeat step 6 using body wash.
Step 8: Turn on sink.
Step 9: Splash water from sink onto hair, to give impression of dampness that would come from actually taking a shower.
Step 10: While shower continues to run, sit on toilet and read Highlights for 8-10 minutes (to give impression of thoroughness).
Step 11: Turn off shower. Disregard the amount of shampoo, conditioner, body wash,  and water just wasted in your ploy to avoid bathing.
Step 12: Strip off clothing and wrap self in clean towel. Disregard that you are dirtying a clean towel with bodily filth.
Step 13: Strut out of the bathroom and down hallway toward bedroom with confidence.
Step 14: Bump into Parental Unit in hallway. Smile.
Step 15: Drag heels in hallway carpeting as Parental Unit forces you back toward bathroom. Shout things like, “I did too, shower!” “You can’t prove anything!” “This is an invasion of privacy!”
Step 16: Sulk as pleas are ignored.
Step 17: Take actual shower. Try not to think of hour just wasted with trickery that could have been spent otherwise, like keeping appointments and running neighborhood clubs and egging cars and poopifying doorsteps.